Friday, July 17, 2015
Converging present participle of con•verge (Verb)
Life can sometimes have a very cruel sense of humor, just when you think you've gotten to the top of the mountain, you realize that your only on a small cliff.....you see you didn't know that there was another 500 feet of mountain just beyond the clouds that were looming over your head.
I'm not sure how much longer I'll be writing these articles. When I first started writing them, I was at the very beginning of the journey that would bring 20 years of life as I knew it to an end. That chapter is very soon to be formally closed. Please don't misunderstand me; I'm at peace with that.
I do have fears of the unknown; being financially responsible for all the bills of this home, for all of my beautiful children. The children that I owe my life to, God only knows how this journey would have ended for me without them. I feel anxious, it’s the fear of just living, but it's a welcomed fear.
I've come to the realization that fear in and of its self is not a bad thing; it's simply something that we have to meet head on. But mind you, fear is not something that you can put your hands on, or destroy. You simply wound it enough to drive it back for a while. It will present itself again in another place, and at another time. I think that's why God tells us in Deuteronomy 31:16 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Because he knew we would be faced with fear many, many times.
But back to the story at hand......I'm at the point in my life where the old life and the new life have converged, and wrapped themselves around one another like so much twisted metal. The thing is I didn't see it coming. For some reason I had the audacity to think that once all of this was over, I would just be happy. I knew that there would be the regular life's troubles, but not this. Oh I know it's only temporary, because that's the beauty of time. As time passes it brings change. And there is one great thing that I've learned through this process, I have learned to Stand. Ephesians 6:13 "Therefore take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand"
So I'm setting about the business of trying to untwist the metal, and the only tools I have are my faith in God and my bare hands. So there's bound to be a few cuts and scratches, but nothing that I can't handle.
So for anyone that happens to come across this blog and you're going through a separation, divorce, or any sort of life shattering event, know this, you can make it. It was a very dear friend of mine that told me, “Embrace the process." There will be good days and bad days, but there will be days, and isn't that the point, that there will be days. You will live you will survive, you will get through this......I promise. After all, if I can do it you can, just remember that This Too Shall Pass.
Life is such an amazing enigma....
I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to feel as if there will be a life after the life that was.....and then I realized something, not so much a new realization, but the resurfacing of an old haunting feeling, "What exactly is my purpose?"
This is a conversation that God and I have had off and on for many years. I have a secret that I'll share with you. I have never truly known what my purpose in life was. I thought my only purpose was to be a wife and then a mother. I thank God daily for my children, they're the shining embers in what I would call the ashes of a marriage past. But I'm talking about that over all great purpose.
Does anyone every know what their purpose in life really is? I have no idea, but it's about time that I started finding out.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.
It's this promise that I'm going to lean on. I am no longer captive to a relationship that gave me no sunlight. Now there's nothing in my way to keep me from growing accept for me. I don't have to know right now what my purpose is, but I do know that I have one and that it will be good.
Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 6:12 PM
*Update - I'm still seeking my purpose.....I don't really know if it's one of those things that we really aren't meant to figure out.
Just imagine you've had the best dream that you've ever had....whatever that dream may be. Then imagine you're just about to get to the best part and you can feel yourself being drawn away from the dream, being pulled into waking. Suddenly all you feel is the need to say in your dream; you have to see how it ends, that's where I am.
For the first time in eight months if feel as if genuine happiness, happiness that goes from soul to bone is with my grasp, but is it real or am I dreaming. Am I at any given moment going to be pulled to the waking place and find that the feeling has evaporated like the dew in the morning?
I know that there will be doubts and fears...almost twenty years wasted, that's a long time. But I'm ready. I have the olive branch in my hand. Who am I to question what God has given to my heart. I am becoming the woman that I was always meant to be. I just had a slight detour.
Going from growth place to growth place is going to have its highs and lows, and I'm willing to experience all of it.
Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 10:02 PM
*Update - I know now that my happiness is real, it's not a dream and it's not something that anyone can take from me. We choose to give our happiness away, and that's something that I refuse to do. If you're in a place where you're struggling to find happiness, peace, you first have to release that which is causing you pain. You can't receive something if your hand is already full. Much Love
Genesis 8:11, 12
11 The dove came to him toward evening, and behold, in her beak was a freshly picked olive leaf. So Noah knew that the water was abated from the earth. 12 Then he waited yet another seven days, and sent out the dove; but she did not return to him again.
So where did we leave off....oh yes New Years, well so far so good.........it can sometimes seem a bit surreal when you actually stop and look back over all of the miles that you've had to walk to be standing where you are. I'll be honest with you; there was time when I really wasn't sure how I would keep going. I thank God daily for my children because if I didn't have them, I just don't know how I would have been able to keep going.
I think the key is just that, to keep going. Knowing that until this world is no more there will continue to be a sunrise and a sunset, and as long as you keep waking up to a new day you can make it......and before you know it where there was once only water, the residue of the storms that you have endured, your dove will be able to retrieve an olive branch.
I'm not going to tell you what I whispered to God in the dark, but I will tell you this, I know that He heard me and sent His dove with an olive branch for me. Does that mean that troubles are over? No it doesn't. I still have many hurdles to climb before this process is over but I'm just going to keep watching for the rainbow.
Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 6:41 PM
Well my people......I made it, and if you're reading this you made it into 2012 also. For the last few days I was inundated with the question, "What are your New Year's Resolutions?" Honestly, I'm not making any. I decided there isn't a need.
2012 Isn't going to be a year of me setting goals, sometime totally unrealistic, and then not being able to meet them. For me, 2012 is going to be a year of self discovery, a journey into "the me" that I am mean to be. When I actually think about it, it makes me pause and take a deep breath because I actually don't know what that's going to entail.
I do know that I want to make some changes, but I'm choosing to look at them as more of a shift in lifestyle. I want these changes to be permanent. I'm looking forward to spreading my wings, letting them catch a strong current and see where they take me. The way that I see it, there's nothing standing in my way but me.
When the clock struck midnight the first minute of the new year....I knew that I had to leave behind everything that I was clinging to that was going to keep me from moving forward......so that little bit of hope that I was clinging to, that the "soon-to-be" and myself might have a chance to get back together......it had to go the way of all things. It was time for me to "Step Into The Real", time to step into the reality that things are what they are. For the last 7 almost 8 months I've been walking somewhere between awake and asleep. That place where you're not sure if you're awake or dreaming. Well, all of this is real and it's time to walk in it.....and I'm cool with that.
"Stepping into the real", that's going to be my theme for the New Year, and I'm going to be holding God's hand all the way.
And to anyone else that maybe going through a separation or a divorce, just hang in there. You may start out just trying to get from one minute to the next, then the minutes will turn to hours, the hours today, and before you know it......well, you get my meaning.
So I'm off to step into the real....you wanna come?
Its two more days until Christmas; the time when we should be focused on the birth of Christ and celebrating life, love and family......but in the land of the real, it's just not working for me.
I'm going through the motions, doing the things that I know I'm supposed to do, cleaning the house in preparation for decorations. Putting together holiday food menus, but really all I want to do is crawl up in a ball and hibernate until it's over.....is that even possible. Not really
All I can hope for is that next year things will be easier, I know that New Years it going to feel just about as bad if not worse. The funny is that people can all kinds of amazing things to try and make you feel better...but really they're just going to pass right through your ears, and through your heart leaving nothing more than a very temporary band-aid. The bottom line is, I feel sick inside.
What will keep me going on is that the holidays are not just about me. I have my children that are depending on me to make things as "normal" as I can. Don't misunderstand; my children have been amazing through this process. I know that all of them are going through their own struggles as well.
The bottom line is, God willing my life will go on, I can only hope that it gets better, easier. *sigh* we shall see.
.......and this too shall pass.
Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 11:08 AM
Thursday, July 16, 2015
While the entire world around me is counting down the number of shopping days until Christmas, I'm counting down the number of days until the start of a new personal trial, surviving the holidays alone.
I've always known that the holidays are extremely difficult for people who have suffered loss, separation, or divorce. There are some people who haven't experienced any of these things and yet still the holidays prove to be a battle between them and looming depression.....but now I think I'm starting to understand why.
The holidays are the time of year that reinforce the principles and ideals of family and togetherness, so it would stand to reason that the holidays with almost 100 percent certainty will awaken feelings that we have struggled all year to lull into a coma. (Or in my case 7 months as of December 11)
You would think that with taking care of four kids, working and going to school full time, plus all of the things I do with church that wouldn't have enough time to think about these kinds of things.....but I have come to appreciate just how long a split second can be, it can seem like an eternity.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” ― Khalil Gibran
It's in the string of seconds that I can feel the beast that lives inside my heart stirring, anxious to find the veil of my emotions, thin and worn, so it can escape. And so the struggle ensues.
In the mean time I will go about as normal, wearing the mask of daily living. I know that this war will not last forever, after all nothing really does. So if you come across this, say a prayer, or just think of me and send love, light and strength my way, in the hopes that this too shall pass ~
Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 9:41 AM No comments: