It's been a little over four months.....and where am I?
Better than I was, but not as good as I know I'm going to be.
It was Sunday night...*sigh* I'm not sure what Sunday night
looks like for most, but for me it feels like a weekly exercise in futility.
By the time Sunday comes I realize that I have gotten no rest, that I'm just as
tired as I was the week before, and that the next day will be Monday......and
the wheel goes round and round.
I go to work, I keep my kids together, I study, I
write....and I get no sleep. A good nights sleep has become something that
eludes me. Just when I feel like I'm slipping into a really deep sleep, the
alarm goes off.
Inside I know I'm holding on to something that I need to let
go of....but I can't quite put my finger on it. The other day a really sweet
person on Twitter asked me if I thought my "soon-to-be ex" would come
back, or if I even wanted him to. I've asked myself these very same questions
a thousand times...and I really have no answer.
I think, I'm afraid to admit out loud that I really don't
want him to come back.....that would make me a bad person, a bad wife. I'm
supposed to keeping the light burning in the window in the hopes that "Sir Stupid" will see the error of his ways and come home.
The not so funny thing is, if I think about it too long a
get a knot in the pit of my stomach and feel nauseous! (I have really bad reactions
to anxiety) That's when I have to remind my self to breathe...inhale,
exhale....inhale, exhale.....I have to remind myself that I can only be in
control of my own actions, that it's OK for me to love myself and to know that
I deserve to be happy.....and that this is all just a part of the process.
"I willingly accept love and feel it to the depth of my
being."
Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 12:13 PM
*Update - This is a good one
No comments:
Post a Comment