Originally I had started this blog on day one of my
separation from my husband, or should I say day one of when he separated
himself from me.....(blame it on blogger, they had technical issues and my
first blog entry was deleted) So here I am starting this blog over....and today
is day 3.
Do I think that my husband is making a HUGE mistake, of
course I do....I think. I'm thinking that maybe God allowed him to make this
choice to leave, so that I didn't have to.
I've thought about it a few times over the years...but
honestly I was too afraid to do it. A single black woman with four young children.....not such a good thing.
But now the children are older...two in college and two at
home....not so hard any more. I'm not going to try and convince someone to be
with me that doesn't. Oh I think he's convinced himself that he has good cause
to divorce me. Now both of us are Christians, and we both know God's views on
divorce......but that thought is for another time.
I decided that I would write this blog like a journal, a
chronicle of my journey through the murky waters of divorce and my emergence on
the other side.....who knows, maybe someone else will stumble upon this blog
and find some sort of solace in knowing that they are not alone in the world.
That there is someone else that is going through the very same thing that they
are. May be we can help one another.....but if nothing else this will be a
catharsis for me, a self healing.
I didn't actually see my husband leave...he left during the
day while I was at work. I had asked him to wait until I got home. Not so I
could try and convince him to stay, we're way past all that drama, but because
I wanted, no I needed to see him leave....and to see his face one more time. I
guess it would be easier if I could say that I hated him, but I don't, I do
love him....I just don't think we're good for one another anymore, not because
we couldn't be but because I think he chose not to be.
The hardest part so far was adjusting to sleeping alone for
the first time in 20 years...damn, 20 years....Our anniversary was this month
May 28...and just a few weeks prior, he decides to leave....I think the timing was for
the dramatic affect. Or maybe it was so he wouldn't have to
suffer through buying me another present...ah, he probably wouldn't have bought me
one any way.
But that's all water under the bridge. So how did I sleep
that first night? Like a baby! My body, mind, and spirit were exhausted.....I
didn't realize how drained I really was until that first night. The bags under
my eyes look like tattoos.
It just all seems so surreal right now, like some sort of
twisted dream that I'm going to wake up from....but I know is my heart that it
isn't.
How does the song go...Who knows what tomorrow brings in a
world where to hearts survive.....
Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 9:51 PM
*It's so weird re-reading these entries as I re-post them. To be able to reflect on where I was and where I am now. I am still in the process of becoming who I am meant to be but I know I 'm going to get there. One of my older son's made a good point. He said, "Mom, a flower doesn't know when it's going to blossom, it just does. When it's time....it's time."
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