Inhale....Exhale....Inhale...Exhale

It's been a little over four months.....and where am I? Better than I was, but not as good as I know I'm going to be.

It was Sunday night...*sigh* I'm not sure what Sunday night looks like for most, but for me it feels like a weekly exercise in futility. By the time Sunday comes I realize that I have gotten no rest, that I'm  just as tired as I was the week before, and that the next day will be Monday......and the wheel goes round and round.

I go to work, I keep my kids together, I study, I write....and I get no sleep. A good nights sleep has become something that eludes me. Just when I feel like I'm slipping into a really deep sleep, the alarm goes off.

Inside I know I'm holding on to something that I need to let go of....but I can't quite put my finger on it. The other day a really sweet person on Twitter asked me if I thought my "soon-to-be ex" would come back, or if I even wanted him to. I've asked myself these very same questions a thousand times...and I really have no answer.

I think, I'm afraid to admit out loud that I really don't want him to come back.....that would make me a bad person, a bad wife. I'm supposed to keeping the light burning in the window in the hopes that "Sir Stupid" will see the error of his ways and come home.

The not so funny thing is, if I think about it too long a get a knot in the pit of my stomach and feel nauseous! (I have really bad reactions to anxiety) That's when I have to remind my self to breathe...inhale, exhale....inhale, exhale.....I have to remind myself that I can only be in control of my own actions, that it's OK for me to love myself and to know that I deserve to be happy.....and that this is all just a part of the process.

"I willingly accept love and feel it to the depth of my being."

Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 12:13 PM 

*Update - This is a good one

This Woman's Work....My Work

Ok, I've come to the realization that if this particular blog is going to work, I'm only going to be able to write in it when I really feel inspired. So there it is.....

That being said, last week, I decided to watch the movie "Love and Basketball", this is one of the best "Chocolate Chick Flicks" that I can think of...the other is "Jason's Lyric". Anyway, I was watching the movie not realizing that deep down, I really wasn't ready for a serious chick flick, let alone this one.

Why this movie in particular? For two specific reasons, 1. It's a great Chick Flick, two, it was while watching this movie for the first time that I heard the song "Woman's Work" by Maxwell for the first time.  (This song by the way is one of the few that cuts right to my soul, every time) So I'm in the kitchen watching the movie, the scene with the song comes on, and before you know it, I'm sitting in my chair crying my eyes out. Not loud over the top crying, but the deep painful crying.....and I have NO reason why.

But I do know this...I'm going to keep on moving on. Keeping my head up, doing what I need to do each day to get through this journey.....but just for a while, maybe I'll lay of the "Chick Flicks".

This too shall pass~

*Update - I have long since gotten to the place where I can watch a great chick flick and only shed the tears that say "How beautiful is THAT!", those are the good kind of tears. 

Pillar of Salt

 Genesis 19:17-26 NKJV

17 "So it came to pass, when they had brought them outside, that he said, "Escape for your life! Do not look behind you nor stay anywhere in the plain. Escape to the mountains, lest you be destroyed."

18 "Then Lot said to them, "Please, no, my lords!"

19 "Indeed now, your servant has found favor in your sight, and you have increased your mercy which you have shown me by saving my life; but I cannot escape to the mountains, lest some evil overtake me and I die."

20 "See now, this city is near enough to flee to, and it is a little one; please let me escape there (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live."

21 "And he said to him, "See, I have favored you concerning this thing also, in that I will not overthrow this city for which you have spoken."

22 "Hurry, escape there. For I cannot do anything until you arrive there." Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar."

23 "The sun had risen upon the earth when Lot entered Zoar."

24 "Then the LORD rained brimstone and fire on Sodom and Gomorrah, from the LORD out of the heavens."

25 "So He overthrew those cities, all the plain, all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground."

26 "But his wife looked back behind him, and she became a pillar of salt."

It's been exactly 30 days since the last time that I blogged....my absence had not been intentional I assure you. It's just that no matter how earnest my intentions to write were, there always seemed to be a reason not to....plus, I think I just get tired of writing only when something negative has been going on. For some reason, most of my creative inspiration comes when I'm feeling "blue" as it were. Whether it's dance choreography, poetry, or blogging, the more "down in the dumps" I am the better the finished product.

I am happy to tell you that things are going much more smoothly. I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again. The Saturday car drop offs are no longer a cause for major anxiety, and I feel like I'm slowly starting to sink into a comfortable rhythm.

But every now and then, I have these flashes of thought. Thinking over all these years and all the things that have happened. That's when I have to remind myself not to look back, not to try and open closed doors. God is moving me on for a purpose. So I very quickly dismiss these thought and refocus to the now, the very moment that I'm in.

Time has a way of healing all things, but it's sort of like the proverbial pot, if you watch it.......So I'm not going to "watch" for time to heal me. I'm just going to let it do it's thing.

Today...I Opened My Heart and Let Go

Just when I thought my separation couldn't get any worse......it did. I know that may sound cliche, but it's true. This past week had to be the worst so far. Until now, I really think that I was making progress, learning to accept my situation, how wrong was I.

It's funny what you'll find when you're looking at the family plan cell phone bill. Yes I handle the family cell phone plan and yes, the soon-to-be ex is still on the plan. Long story....can't get him off the plan right now. Anyway, the bill has been going up the last few months. I thought it was me talking to my mom more frequently......but nooooooo it was a barrage of daily phone calls from the "soon-to-be's" cell phone.....to a woman.

My heart sank as I ran through the cell phone call logs for the last few months. So I did what any normal woman would do, I called the number. I introduced myself and told her that I was looking at the cell bill and noticed this number was on the log almost daily for my HUSBANDS cell number. She gave me the most condescending attitude that I've ever heard. She proceeded to say, "I'm just a friend and a colleague".

All I could think to myself was "damn"......she's the other woman. You know the funny thing about it, in the beginning of this whole mess, some of the few people that I did tell, asked me was there another woman, and I always said no, because I really didn't think so.

The "soon-to-be" said that she was just a friend, blah, blah, blah! So of course we had to have the inevitable argument. I being the techno-savvy that I am was able to find out, where she was living, working, and found her on a social network. I wish I had never found her....because now her face is forever branded in my memory........maybe someday it will go away.

So last night as I slept, I think that God and I were wrestling, wrestling for a promise. I needed to tell the "soon-to-be" really how I felt about everything since he left, but I didn't want to. So today when he came to drop off the car I told him that I needed to talk to him.

I just let it all out........exactly what was said I will not detail for you here, however, I know now that I really can go on.

I have no clue what lays down the road......but I feel relieved, I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I made it through the "he left me", and "the other woman". The only milestones left would be the "I'm filing for divorce" and  "here are the papers".

I opened my heart and let everything in it go......now there's room for other things.

Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 12:20 AM

*Update - Well as it turned out the "Other Woman" is now his new wife. They were married just a few months after our divorce became final. I always said to my then husband, and I still live by the notion that if you feel like you might cheat, or that you want to cheat, just let me go. Don't wait until you've already found the person that you want to cheat with. I don't know how true it is, but a guy friend of mine said to me once, "Men don't leave one boat without another boat to jump into." Something to think about.

The Rhythm of Life

There's a natural rhythm of our lives...the internal force that dictates the how, the what, and then when. I was walking to work the other day and it occurred to me that my internal rhythm was being fine tuned and re calibrated.

For so long my life was geared around someone else's needs, what they want to eat, what they want to do, what they like, what they want period. Now mind you, I do have children and they have needs that I gladly attend to....but now things are different. Some of the differences are actually pretty nice.

There's a sense of freedom, the freedom to become, grow and evolve into the person that I'm supposed to be. So for now, I'm just going to go with it and see where it leads.

This Saturday was a good day.....

*Update - What I have learned over the years between when I wrote this piece and now is that our individual rhythms are a continuously evolving thing. There is no end to the journey of finding yourself. There in lies the beauty of it all. We have no way way of knowing what each day will bring, but if we are fortunate enough to wake in the land of the living, and draw our first breath of that new day, rest assured a change is coming. 

"I Understand"......I Hate Those Words

"I understand".....no matter what I say to him about my feelings, his pat answer is "I understand". Every time he says those words to me it makes my head want to explode! The honest answer would be, "I can't imagine how you feel".

So what happened today to piss me off? I can hear you asking yourself. Well of course today is the dreaded Saturday; the "soon-to-be ex" brings over the car so I can shop. Today he drops off the car and instead of waiting at the house, which I was grateful for, he said that I could drop the car off where he was staying and he would drive me back home. I said, "No way!". I have no desire to want to drive over there, and what, take the risk of running into his mom or some other relative. Side note: his mother, the grandmother to my children has yet to try and call the kids to see how they're doing. What kind of Grandmother is THAT!

I digress....anyway, I dropped the kids off at home and decided I would try not being so juvenile and thought I would drive over to where he's staying, just to the corner of the block and he could get in the car, I would drive back to my house and then he could take the car. If I did this he wouldn't have to manage his way to my house on foot, or on public trans.

Well... when I called to tell him I was driving by he wasn't there....well, needless to say my switch just flipped! I lost my composure. I guess I figured if he wasn't home where was he. I'm trying my best not to care. There's no law that says he has to stay home all of the time.....problem is I still care.

I was angrier with myself for losing my composure.....it makes me look weak and I know it. I left him a few "choice" voice mail messages, which I regretted almost as soon as I left them.

Anyway, later on he sent me a text in response to mine....the first thing I did was apologize. I told him that I was just angry.....and he said those words! Why! It only served to make me angry all over again!

Every day in the work world I have to carry myself strong and self assured able to make the hard decisions and stick with them. Why can't I be the same way now.....I say to myself that this too shall pass, but dear God, can you please make it sooner than later?

Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 10:38 PM

My Life in a Series of Fridays

This week was REALLY great.....until Friday that is. That was the day that the "soon to be ex” came over to try and help me with my air conditioner. People, I looked at him and he looked really good! It looked as if he had lost at least 10 lbs.

It was at that moment that I began to feel as if the entire universe was conspiring against me. Not only does this man leave me after almost 20 years, but he has the nerve to have been working out, losing weight and looking amazing! I felt as if I had to do something anything to make the field of competition level. After all, this is a competition isn't it?

From the moment that he left, I've had on my mind the fact that I needed to make myself look good, not solely for the purpose of rubbing his face in the fact that he left a good  woman, but just for me and my self confidence. I thought I was doing fairly well...that is until this past Friday.

So what did I decide to do.....I decided to be like a race horse with blinders on. I'm not going to worry about what he's doing; I'm just going to run my race.

At the beginning of the summer I decided that I was going to take a vacation day every other Friday, partly so that I could do summer fun things with the kids, but also so I could focus on how I can make our lives better. Things have been coming along slowly but surely. But after this past Friday I decided to change one thing that I had been putting off, my bedroom. If you've been following along, you know how important this room was to us, this was the one place that we as a couple were able to come together after a day of madness and just let the whole world melt away, and just be the two of us. But the two of us are no more. So I needed to put a new spin a more personal, singular spin on my room. So that's what I did. I was afraid to move his things, but I did. Just to get them out of eyesight. My room now feels like it's free.

I don't know what all of my Friday's are going to bring, but for now I'm just going to run my race, making changes in my life in a series of Fridays.

~And this too shall pass

Posted by La'Tanya Williams-Brisbon at 9:45 PM 

* Update - Even after all this time, I find myself feeling as if there is a competition going on. No nearly as much as I used to but more often than I would like. It's in those moments that I take a deep breath and readjust my blinders.